How Climate Change Will Harm Santa Claus’s Mission
Climate change has affected all of us in many unfortunate ways, but perhaps the most harm is done to our children. This December, having hung their stockings by the chimney with care, the good little girls and boys of the world will go to bed on Christmas Eve hoping for nice presents in the morning. Little do children know what havoc rising global temperatures have had on Santa and Ms. Claus’s important work.
To begin with, the melting of the North Pole icecap seriously threatens the workshop where Santa’s hardworking, exploited, non-union elves make Christmas toys, including pink Ken and Barbie dolls. Santa’s home at the North Pole is projected to sink into the Arctic Ocean before the end of the current century but has already begun to suffer serious effects of melting. And if the northern icecap melts and Santa, Inc., doesn’t leave in time, Christmas is canceled. Yes, canceled. It will end, not with a bang but a drip.
Whenever Santa’s magic sleigh flies, it must occasionally land. But the sleigh will likely find landings at unhappy locations because global warming has turned much formerly dry land into water, and Santa’s sleigh must be retrofitted with pontoons for water landings. Of course, a pontoon-rigged sleigh will not park easily on a roof. And parking on the ground will increase the average down-chimney delivery time.
Assuming Santa, Inc., escapes from the northern polar melt, they might want to transfer their business to the South Pole.
When Santa’s team finally reaches the Antarctic, they may face difficulties choosing where to land there, as well. Of course, they must avoid the National Science Foundation researchers who drink all the time to stay sane.
Their most difficult problem may be those funny waddling birds wearing tuxedos. Because of this costume and the accompanying elitist arrogance, the stuffy penguins will — at best — turn their backs on the newly-arrived Northerners, and — at worst — become pests begging for food and interrupting the work at hand.
However long Ms. and Mr. Claus, their eight reindeer, and assorted elves may live, drunk or sober, in Antarctica, the Santa Team may need a break from drinking booze and making carcinogenic pink plastic toys. Recent worldwide temperature increases have caused more forest fires. So our public-spirited environmental social justice warriors may consider employment as fire fighters. All hands will need special training. If the reindeer and elves have had their college loans forgiven, they will then be eligible for new, high-interest, loans for fire-fighting training.
As time goes on, the catalog of climate-change-created problems for Santa Claus will no doubt unfortunately increase. May you all have a wonderful Christmas anyway. Keep the tiny dogs out of your holiday turkeys.
Jim Block taught English at Northfield Mount Hermon, a boarding school in Western Mass. He coached cross-country, and advised the newspaper and the debate society there. He taught at Marlborough College in England and Robert College in Istanbul. He and his wife retired to Chestertown, Md. in 2014.
Common Sense for the Eastern Shore
