Moving Sidewalk to Replace the Third Bay Bridge

Maryland’s Gov. Wes Moore announced last week that he’s cancelled the long-awaited third span over the Chesapeake Bay.
“A highway bridge is just too unpopular and too expensive. Eventually it would bring on even more (no pun) traffic,” said the governor. But Moore will leave no Bay-crossers behind; instead, an airport-style moving sidewalk will be substituted.
This project will, of course, require two sidewalks, one for each direction, with railings. Railings are required for cowards who suffer from gephyrophobia. But a leak from former governor Larry Hogan’s office decries the railing because it would cost too much in taxes. According to the leaker, Hogan said, “Let the wimps afraid to drive over the bridge drop into the Bay. Maybe one of them will be that chicken-hearted tyrant, Trump. If nothing else, it will blow out his combover.”
When traffic rolls in both directions on the north span, two sidewalks will eliminate head-on collisions. And in another safety step, the Maryland Transit Authority can rent clip-on safety belts, using that revenue for rolling sidewalk maintenance.
Whatever the disadvantages of moving sidewalks, the advantages outweigh them:
- Except during deadly high winds, bridge walkers will get much more fresh air than in stuffy, climate-controlled cars.
- Speaking of high winds, another advantage to these sidewalks is reducing the obstacles caused by huge empty truck trailers being capsized by wind. Cars on the bridge would still be stalled, but walkers will not be inconvenienced.
- With fishing lines over the side, fisherpeople on foot can troll and perhaps catch enough rockfish to feed a family for six months. Tonging for oysters from almost 400 feet up might not be as easy.
- Drivers turned into walkers need not keep their eyes on the road. Instead, they will be able easily to catch beautiful views of the Bay and the merchant ships running aground or colliding and sinking.
- Toll fees draining commuters’ pockets could be eliminated.
- If, however, the Maryland Transit Authority insists on fees, EZ-Pass transponder tags could be taped to crossers’ foreheads. Those who resist this government control of their bodies may be forced to have license tags welded to their butts.
Readers may worry about the cost of electric power for the rolling walks. Some of that anxiety will be reduced if the walks are powered by super-trendy solar panels.
When this third bridge alternative makes its debut, masses of Washington, D.C., lobbyists and tourists will arrive sooner in the Land of Pleasant Living, and at their expensive beach houses.
Jim Block taught English at Northfield Mount Hermon, a boarding school in Western Mass. He coached cross-country and advised the newspaper and the debate society there. He taught at Marlborough College in England and Robert College in Istanbul. He and his wife retired to Chestertown, Md., in 2014.
Common Sense for the Eastern Shore




